This is a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. It's a curious phenomenon when you feel jarred by the reflection in the mirror. I suspect many people are wondering the same thing -- what's going on with Ray and Hannah? The changes of the past two years have been precipitous, to say the least. I am not blind to the drastic about-face that has occurred in our lives. My wife and I used to be treading an utterly different path.
Our life has been altered by a cascading series of implosions. From my vantage point, I can identify three pivotal moments that foreshadowed the collapse.
1. The death of our ministry aspirations
We spent the better part of a decade relentlessly pursuing ministry, both as a passion and as a vocational path. We hinged our life's trajectory upon it. We toiled, we gave, we wore ourselves down... and then, one day, it all caved in on us. It wasn't our fault and it wasn't our doing. And yeah, we were pissed about it. We were crippled both logistically and spiritually. This event caused us to recalibrate our entire perspective of church, faith, and "calling". The entire experience left us drained and infuriated. This institution we had leaned upon was suddenly absent.
2. Our awakening to the wider world of suffering
We have always followed politics as a matter of intellectual curiosity, but we began delving deeper into the morass that became the 2016 election cycle. With that, we also awaekened to the reality of gender and racial disparities in our nation. As we removed our optimistic church goggles, we found a world history littered with harm. Millions of people suffering. Injustice abounding through the ages. This left us with a host of principles and values that were formed by the truth of human history and factuality, instead of dogma and Christian orthodoxy.
3. My mother's suicide
About eight weeks ago, my mother took her own life. We had a complicated relationship, and she had a very troubled journey throughout her time on Earth. Because of this, sentiments like "I'm sorry" and "I'm praying for you" just don't cut it. My mind has become filled to the brim with intrusive thoughts about the cruelty of the universe. The levy has been breached, and I am no longer afraid to doubt, to question, to reinent my opinions of God or mankind.
We have seen the tragedy of existence in our personal lives and in the grand scope of history. We've seen our dreams burn and our preconceptions went up in flames along with them. In light of these implosions, we have emerged as something totally different... and I am at peace with that.
In these pages, you will find questions without answers. You will find doubt. You will watch as I unravel my prior opinions and presumptions, dissecting them piece by piece. I don't want your pity -- I desire something much more lasting: understanding.
So this blog is for the person who's been cast astray by the unforeseen collision. This blog is for the person who's picking up the pieces. If I write something that offends you, know this: I am not here to burn down your beliefs, I am here to sift through the wreckage of my own. Don't look away -- stare steadfastly and search for a deeper truth. If nothing else, you will discover the raw honesty of the human experience.
Searching for a deeper understanding of truth is never a bad thing. Just don't let the areas that man ha forsaken you to cause you to question God. Through the worst of your pain and discouragement, only He can heal your heart. You can have the highest knowledge of mankind and still be void without God. Lean on Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you once again through His healing power and abounding grace.
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