A Tragic Misdealing

The universe is cruel.

We often take for granted this simple truth. We bundle it in mundane trappings, repeating phrases like "life's not fair", as if this is something to be easily understood and waved away nonchalantly. For anyone who has seen the pitch-black core of a traumatic experience, "life's not fair" is an oversimplification. This trite phrase should be wrestled with, pondered, taken apart and put back together. It should make us pause for a moment in reflection.

I don't like playing cards. I don't like the chance that's involved in it -- so much of your success is dependent upon pure probability. You can be dealt a bad hand. There's a lot of talk about nature versus nurture... but what about choice versus chance? No matter how good you are at poker or spades, one thing is certain: it's not purely a game of skill. Neither is life.

In cards, we recognize the idea of the misdeal. Misdeal is defined as "a hand dealt wrongly". I'm haunted by the fact that I've witnessed this phenomenon in life, as well. I've seen a tragic misdealing in my mother -- her afflictions and her burdens. That's why I can no longer just accept that life's not fair.

I don't just mourn my mom's death -- I mourn her life. A hand dealt wrongly. Certainly, she made a series of poor choices, as we all have, but she was also dealt a criminally atrocious hand. By God, by nature, by the universe. Whatever you want to call it, I'll call it a miscarriage of justice.

The complexity of existence, the probability of life. These are the things that occupy my mind. These are the shadows that pace back and forth in my head. My feelings about my mother's suicide are like a tangled ball of yarn. I wish they were simple notions like "I miss her" and "I wasn't expecting this". Those things may be a component of the truth, but there's so much more... and I can't untangle it all.

For now, I know this: the universe is cruel, and whatever mechanism that doles out the cards must be questioned, examined, considered. Those of us who have been privileged with a sound mind and favorable genetics cannot shield our eyes and preserve our precious ignorance. We have to face the reality of life's injustices.

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