This central question is so simple, but it casts a long and chilling shadow. Everyday, people traipse through their lives, yolked with a heavy burden regarding what could have been. Each person wants to feel that they've reached the height of their potential, but how many of us actually achieve this?
I just celebrated my 29th birthday (woohoo), and whenever my birthday approaches, I get this heavy and introspective feeling in my chest. I examine myself and what I've done with my life so far. I measure myself against my own (often unreasonable) expectations. I pick myself apart. I feel overwhelmed with the sound of ticking clocks as they wind down and drown out my surroundings. Does that sound crazy? Yeah, maybe, a little bit, but here's the thing:
I've decided to let go. I've resolved to overcome this mindset.
One of the most important revelations of the past few years for me is so simple: learning to accept your life as you've lived it. What does this look like on a daily basis, though? It means acknowledging and observing the path you've taken to this point, and coming to terms with every choice, both good and bad. It means recognizing where you are and where you've been. It means accepting what's happened to you -- your scars, your trauma, your neuroses.
This manifests itself in many ways -- creative, relational, spiritual -- but one clear example is in the workplace. Sometimes I feel incredibly out of place, like I've missed my exit sign miles ago. "I can do more than this, I was made for more than this," I think to myself. That's part of why I'm aggressively pursuing a college degree now, to make up for lost time and lost opportunities along the way. Nevertheless, I must remind myself to stop criticizing, and start recognizing the path that I followed to this junction.
Without a doubt, I'd be in a more challenging and rewarding place professionally if I had gone to college earlier. But doing this would've likely meant staying under the thumb of my narcissistic and cruel father, subjecting myself to years of his mistreatment and gaslighting while my schooling was paid for. So I made a choice -- I decided to preserve my dignity and forfeit my funding. In doing so, I had to carve my own path. Did it set me back considerably? Yes. Was it the right choice? Absolutely.
Perhaps if parallel universes exist, there's some iteration that stayed close with my dad. Ray 2.0 was a college shoe-in and a close adherent to his father's opinions. He's a republican and an obedient church goer. He doesn't understand BLM and all the kneeling at football games. He think there's a War on Christmas. He does what he's told. I don't want to be that Ray, and I'm glad that I diverged from that path. I am genuinely and profoundly glad.
This is but a snapshot of the grander trajectory that led me to today, but it proves an important point -- your life is the summation of many elements: fate, luck, choice, chance, and the blessings or cruelties that others dole out on you. We do a disservice when oversimplify the complex and compound formula that is life itself.
Each and every person on this planet has a story to tell. Our lives are a series of crossroads and intersections, and with every successive choice, we write our own plot lines. I'm learning to accept the story of my life -- where I've been, what I've done, and what's been done to me in return. In the face of my past, that's all I can hope to do.
Thank you for reading On Letting Go, a blog about dealing with the wounds of the past. If you're looking for a little background on what inspired this blog, check out the introduction. Click here for information on how you can find real and qualified mental health services for yourself or a loved one.
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